Just Don’t Ask If I Am “Better”

As I’m sure most (if not all) of you know, my 16-year-old son was killed in a car accident on Thursday, March 20th. I’m not writing this post to vent my grief, but to tell you all how much I appreciate and value the love and support I’ve received from the romance community (as well as my communities of church, Boy Scouts, neighbors, family, and friends). I know, too, how hard it is for you all to listen to me when I talk about how much I miss my son and how painful this all is, because you all know (as do I) that there is really nothing you can do.

People are constantly asking me what I “need” and the honest truth is that I have no fucking idea. I only wish I could give you all a program of steps that would help me through this tragedy and make my life a little less empty and broken. But we all know the truth is that the only thing that can do that is to turn back time, and that can’t happen.

That said, your love and support does help. More than I can say. It doesn’t make me feel “better,” but it makes me feel less alone. Know that just saying you care is the best and most important thing you can do.

I don’t know when I’m going to get beyond crisis mode, which is where I’m living right now. I’m sure it will happen someday. But even when that happens, I’m not going to be “better.” I’m never going to be better. I am always going to be empty and broken and grieving. I’ll just (I hope) be able to live with it a little easier. I’m going to get to know that emptiness, brokenness, and grief and incorporate it into the new me.

So, whether it’s me or someone else you know who’s suffered a loss like this, please remember not to ask, at some distant point down the road, if they are “better.” We will never be better again. But we will go on.